Feelings are not up for debate

When trying to vent feelings, it can be tempting for the listener to question if the feelings are even real. For example:

• A: I feel ugly.
• B: You're not ugly! How can you even think that?

This appears to be wholesome feedback, but in fact it denies the venter's feelings. This is never a productive line of questioning, and almost always leads to the inflammation of feelings and sometimes to fights.

Instead, one can isolate the feeling from the cause.

• A: I feel ugly.
• B: What's making you feel that way?
• A: My hair always looks terrible. No matter what I tell the hairstylist I feel like I come out looking awful. I don't know how other people have such beautiful hair.

To identify the feeling, note that feelings can usually be summarised as a single word, but a cause requires many.

One can feel:

• sad
• angry
• happy
• ugly

One can think and speculate:

• that your friend ignored you
• that you weren't treated fairly
• that rollercoaster was fun and we should ride it again

Understanding this separation between thoughts and feelings makes it much easier to manage both.